Dogs 2012

THE PLUG
(10/9/12)


oh
it's all
so easy

sitting there
on a sunny day
eating a good
meal
talking to family
and friends
saying

"I'd never
want to be
a vegetable

if I
can't walk
talk
feed myself

just let
me go"

but when
I'm lying
here

looking
up
at all those
faces

hearing
them say

"he always
said
that he'd
never
want to live
this way"

being unable
to respond

screaming
my pathetic
little
silent protests

my
diminished capacity
not allowing me
to physically follow
the most simple
of bodily
commands

an inarticulate
gurgle
the most
that I can
muster
verbally

I want
to say

"I'm
right here
you
fuckers

don't
kill me
yet

not quite
yet"

I grab
the bed rail
with my non-
paralyzed arm
and pull myself
almost upright
to show them
that there's
some life
left

"look
at him

the poor
guy

look
at him
struggle

he's
so damned
miserable
trapped there
like that"

I
see them
following
the run
of my feeding
tube
with their
eyes

knowing
that it's
the only thing
keeping me
going

surely
they wouldn't
starve me
to death

surely
they know
that it's still
the same person
in here

"the
doctor says
that his current
condition
could possibly
be the best
that he'll
ever
be"

could?

possibly?

really?

there's
still
a chance
for me
goddamnit!

"good
thing
that we have
his Living Will"

oh yes

the document
had seemed such
a prudent idea
when I signed
it
all those
years ago

"it will
make things
so
much easier"

easier
for whom?

you?

bitch

they
continually
look
at the clock

they are
busy people

they have
things
to do

I've
become
quite
the inconvenience

"well
I feel bad
leaving him
here all alone
but I know
that I could
never
sleep here"

tell me
about it

they poke

they prod

all night
long

I am
hardly ever
alone

or able
to sleep

it does
suck

maybe
dying
would be
best

finally
they leave

the night
nurse
comes in
to check my
vitals

"here

let me swab
your mouth
and lips"

she leans
in close
and I see
her breasts
swaying invitingly
beneath
her scrubs

I feel
a slight
hardening
around
the catheter

"there

is that
better?"

yes

yes
it is