Dogs 2007

SUICIDAL FIXATION
(3/16/07)


in the mid 90's
I lived in a beat
downtown hotel
on the second floor
spending many an hour
looking out the window
at the city
the expressway
and all the people
walking by

just below
my room
was a 4 foot section
of old rusted pipe
sticking up
perfectly vertical
out of the ground
the topmost portion
appeared ripped off
by drastic
but unknown means
the jagged edge
pointing up toward me
in accusation
or perhaps
invitation

times
were tough
as they say
and I often
considered
a fatal plunge
over the sill
to be impaled upon
the waiting metal
for a gruesome
but fairly novel
end
to my
existence

it was simply
a matter
of maintaining
the proper orientation
during the fall
in order to achieve
the desired
result

unfortunately
proper orientation
had always been
a problem
for me
and I had visions
of a misaimed descent
maiming the less vital
of my vitals
leaving me pinned
there
as I slowly
and painfully
bled out

I studied
that pipe
each and every day
for two and half years
never convincing myself
that I could pull off
the required
performance

finally
I moved
still quite alive
to a garage apartment
with a leaky
gas main

even I
could just
lie there
and die